Fact: Life is really hard
Fact: I don't always feel God when times get hard
Lie: God isn't there because I don't feel Him
Surgery #3 for the year, 3rd times the charm right? O I pray that is the truth! This surgery has been a lot harder on me than the other 2 and it was supposed to be the easiest out of all of them. It has been easy to look at how everything was worked out by God from the private hospital room when I needed it the most to the fact that Gabe was scheduled to work in town during the whole event, but facts are not the same as feelings. Laying in bed for 3 weeks often gives me way too much time to think and I start wondering about where my life is going & if there is a different plan for me. So many questions and I have been asking them for about 5 months, not stressing on any of them just happy to be healthy. Well, here I am healing again, realizing that this is something I am going to have to go through multiple times in my life. All those questions seem like far off dreams because I will never truly be healthy....
But I just realized that my questions might not be realistic,and that fact hit me like a blow to the head, literally. So, naturally I have really been seeking & leaning on God, when we feel lost we tend to lean extra hard. Normally we go through these times where we feel lost or don't feel God there & than we break down the wall that we built and run into our Father's arms crying. I am just having a hard time breaking down the wall because I have buried myself under it. Why do I do that? Why do I not put all my trust in God? Why do I think my way is better & throw a fit when I don't get the answer I want when I want it?
Now, don't get me wrong, God has blessed my husband & I in so many ways in this past year, and I KNOW He has been here through it all, I KNOW He is listening to me and walking by my side...so why do I not feel Him? I like to think of it like when you are learning to walk how our parents are walking with us, arms ready to catch us when we fall, our parents weren't touching us, we couldn't feel them but they were right there & all we had to do was turn around and ask to be picked up. Trusting that God is right there, ready to pick me up if I would just ask is so dang hard though! I listen to the lie that He won't be there, that I am not good enough for Him to waste His time on my silly problems.
I often push back against the lies & challenge them by praying and trying to listen, but you can't hear God under a brick wall. Just because I can't hear Him doesn't mean He isn't talking. Just because I can't feel Him through the wall doesn't mean He isn't right there ready for me to break through. I choose to not listen to the lie that I am not good enough for my God to miss, I choose to not listen to the lie that my questions are just dreams. God gives us desires for a reason, if He didn't want me to dream He wouldn't have given me such a crazy & active imagination. It's hard to hear God's truth when the lies are being screamed in our ear, but if we can ignore those lies we can hear Him saying "I love you, you are enough, get back up again, your sins are gone, I love YOU, YOU are my everything!" and with that being said by our Heavenly Father we won't be buried for long.
So,I keep hitting the wall, I keep fighting for it to crumble so that I can climb out and feel the love that God has been pouring out on me, so I can hear the sweet words He has been saying to me all along. Trust that God is right there, trust that He is allowing us to go through hard times because He wants us to be more, He loves us so much that He wants something so much greater for us than a life of just butterflies & rainbows can give.
Deep cries to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves & breakers have swept over me Psalms 42: 7...
