Alight so I finally put Katence down long enough to write this out. I wanted to tell her birth story because everyone has been asking, but have been so in love with her sweet face that I haven't stopped staring long enough to do so.
But here it is, at least how I remember it all. So, we had to stop preterm labor at 31.4 weeks, that took 2 days of Magnesium and a couple steroid shots,but she stayed in. Than again at 32.4 weeks, went back at 33 for contractions, and at 34 for contractions both times that were 3 minutes or less apart. And so started the prodromal labor phase of my pregnancy. I was so blessed with such a wonderful pregnancy that as hard and frustrating as 7 weeks of false labor was, I can still say it was an amazing 9 months.
I honestly think that I began inactive labor Tuesday around 4 p.m. I had almost like a wave come over me, and got really hot & started feeling sick, not to mention the contractions were a lot more uncomfortable. That whole night & next day I felt gross & was REALLY over being pregnant. At about 5 I started thinking I might really be in labor and around 8 my mom convinced me to go into Labor & delivery. We went in and I was at 3 cm dilated, which was a cm more than Monday so we were all hopeful! But, after an hour there was no change, even though my contractions were about 2 minutes apart and about 90 seconds long. So, we went home to see what would happen.
Suzy came home with us and took me on a walk, with the dogs, and crashed on our couch. I had told everyone to sleep, in case they had to work the next day, because we weren't sure if this was real. Well, I was up all night on the birthing ball laboring...and at about 5:45 started throwing up, and had been shivering for a few hours. We decided it was best to go in and get re-checked because I HAD to be further dilated.
Sue brought me in so Gabe could deal with work and I had a nurse come in & check me. I was 3 cm 80% effaced, and stretchy. But she wouldn't stretch me because I wasn't 39 weeks....she wasn't very nice. God obviously stepped in at that point because I had a new nurse come in & re-check me and she decided to stretch me & admit me because she could tell it was the real deal. Gabe, my mom, & Sue got out of work for the day and came up and Carli came up and they all labored with me. Well, after a couple hours I was checked again and at 4 cm. It only took 18 hours to go from a 3 to a 4. And than I stayed there for a couple hours so my doctor decided to have Dr. Williams pop my water. That got things moving!
I am so grateful for my wonderful nurses who not only were super supportive of my choice to birth naturally, but who had great coping methods & positions to help me move labor along and get through it. One of my nurses even stayed in the room holding the monitor on me because Katence kept falling off. A couple hours later I was at a 6, and for sure feeling like I was in full labor. I labored for about an hour like that and not only was making some crazy noises, but was done. I was so grateful for my team who helped me stick to my plan, because I was tired & hurting big time and not getting much relief between contractions.
I started saying I couldn't do it, my wonderful birthing team encouraged me, letting me know I could do it, and my nurse came in hearing my noises and wanted to check me again. I thought for sure she would say I was at an 8, and I just couldn't do it much longer. She was trying to get me to move from my knees facing backwards on the bed to on my back because she knew it was go time. I fought it for a bit, because moving seemed like the most awful thing ever.
I turned onto my back and she checked and asked if I was ready to push. Boy was I! The nurses let me start pushing and decided to call the doc. Apparently, Katence was ready to get out because things moved pretty quick. I had to figure out how to push correctly, I kept trying to push even after the contraction was over, I just really wanted her out. After that the nurses said they weren't sure if the doctor would make it in time. I think I had pushed through 5 or 6 contractions when Dr. Van Kirk came in, even though he was supposed to be off. After he came in I think I had 3 more contractions and than Dr. Van Kirk told me to stop pushing. I argued with him saying I couldn't, because there was a baby coming out of me! He assured me that I could and told me to reach down. I was so confused at this point!
I did not understand why I wasn't pushing, and why I was reaching down. Earlier he had asked if I wanted her on my stomach after she was born and of course I had said yes. Well, he was letting me finish delivering her. I reached down and finished pulling her out, bringing her to my stomach. As I pulled there was a big "POP" and than blood sprayed everywhere! Not only was there blood everywhere, but she had been holding almost all the amniotic fluid in so there was a gush of water everywhere too! Dr. Van Kirk swept her into his arms and took her to the side to clamp her umbilical cord, which had snapped. My nurse, Linda, clamped my end saying "that's not sanitary."
Katence was crying over on the table & Gabe was right by her side. I was so confused & scared and my mom & Suzy kept saying, "She's ok, listen to her." They had to check her oxygen levels because she was panting, but she was getting more than enough air. And than I got to hold her! Every mom knows that feeling....
That amazing feeling of this sweet little one in your arms. That feeling like the rest of the world is gone & all that matters is that sweet baby in your arms. That feeling that can't be explained!
So almost exactly 24 hours after knowing I was in real labor Katence came into the world! She has been perfect since the very beginning! She latched almost instantly, she was super alert, hardly any tears, & just perfect!
I am so glad that I had such an amazing birth team, that not only was there to be quiet when I needed it, but was there to ice me down, braid my hair, shove fists in my back, and encourage me to stick to the birth plan. My husband was amazing & my warrior team of women were just phenomenal. I am beyond grateful for my nurses who not only had done at home births, but were so excited to be a part of my birth. I am amazed with Dr. Van Kirk who came even though he was supposed to be off and had been on call the whole night before, and had worked & monitored me all day. He was so quick with Katence, knowing exactly what she needed, even though he had only seen it one other time. He sewed me up nicely and just was the icing on the cake for the whole experience.
I am just speechless when I think about the whole thing. How amazing it all was & than I look at her sweet face & can't believe that God has blessed us so much! I have bounced back quickly, have had a super easy time nursing, she eats great, sleeps perfectly, and has been so active & alert I can't help but just soak up each moment.
I love being a mommy, every day is something new & even more perfect!
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Ending This Chapter
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I have to say I am really excited for this year and I can't explain it in any other way than God. There is so much peace in that...
This past 2 years have been hard to say the least. Starting in Feb of 2010 I had a crazy appendix situation, but we removed and solved that and I was doing really well. Than my body went very hormonal....like really thought it was pregnant. As if that wasn't weird and freaky enough I started getting really terrible headaches, vision loss, memory loss, and other odd symptoms. When we finally convinced the doctors that it wasn't the birth control I went to a G.I. doctor who knew it was something neurological. I got an MRI and they found 2 brain cysts...as scary as this sounds I was relieved to have an answer. But, it wasn't an answer... and the list of specialist and doctors I saw after that is a mile long. And everyone had a test or theory, but by the end most of them looked at me and said "I don't know what to tell you, but I don't think this has to do with (whatever their specialty was)."
Great.... So I am basically just insane...good to know. Through all this I worked, for most of it full time and my symptoms got worse and worse. This meant, for the most part, my day was work and sleep...I had to stop doing children's worship, had to stop working in the coffee shop, had to stop cleaning, running, reading, going to school, basically I had to stop doing the things that really brought me joy.
My amazing husband really picked up the slack where he could and is the reason laundry got done, and that we had dishes to eat off. My friends were great and understood that I just couldn't do anything and helped me wherever they could. My family and my husband felt my pain just as much as I did, they cried with me and were there every step of the way (I really do not know what I would have done without them). I seriously cry every time I realize the love and compassion that was given to me. It's amazing that they stuck by my side and believed me even when it seemed like the only answer was that it was all in my head.
I don't really remember much of this time,the meds, memory loss, exhaustion, and pain make it all a little fuzzy and I don't really know what was real or not. I do remember calling my mom and brother to come pick me up from work at the end of the day sometimes because I was panicking and couldn't figure out where I was. I do remember that most meals didn't stay down and some nights spending hours on the bathroom floor. I remember screaming out to God, begging Him to just let me die because I couldn't do it anymore. And I remember wondering why, if He loved me so much, He would let me suffer for so long and hurt so many people. And I remember being really really angry at Him! I mean I would not have hugged Jesus if I had met Him during this time but instead punched Him square in the jaw and twice in the the stomach. I can admit I really lost hope. I have fought depression and thoughts of suicide before. High school wasn't always an easy time for me. But the level of depression I entered at this point in my life was something that hurts to even think about. I never lost faith that God was there, I just lost hope that He would ever heal me.
The emotional roller coaster I was on was like nothing I could have imagined I would be able to go through. And I had days where I went in the back room at work, fell to my knees, sobbing, and telling God He had to get me through the day because I just couldn't do it anymore. And He always did, I was always able to get off that floor, wipe my tears, and come back out smiling and able to help patients.
Than I found the Arachnoid Cyst specialist, he was the one who knew that these cysts could be symptomatic no matter their size, shape, or position. He was down in L.A. and had started his own hospital for people just like me. I had found my answer! We did phone appointments and he put me on a drug that was for Glaucoma, its side affect was decreasing CSF. And it helped a lot, not cure me helped, but for the first time in a very long time I was keeping food down and the meds were able to help me get somewhat out of pain. And than, about 3 weeks after I started the med it stopped working, I was doubling up on it, hoping, wishing, praying it would start to work again. It only made it worse. At this point my mom and husband got on the phone and started demanding that something happen, they had seen the light and that this was the first relief I had had in a year and they weren't going to let me go back. The doctor decided the best thing to do was to remove the cysts to see if it would help. He had an opening in his schedule and was willing to rush me in, I just needed a follow up doctor here.....
My G.P. refused to let me have the surgery. I hadn't seen him this whole time, but his F.N.P. instead and he didn't just say he wouldn't be my follow up doctor, but that he had no further tests or steps to take to find out what was wrong. At the point of starting care with the specialist I had informed my boss's that I may need to rush down to have the cysts removed at the drop of a hat. They were amazing and said whatever I needed they would do. So I had told them I was going to have the surgery and they asked why it had fallen through. I lost it, I mean really lost it...I cried awful horrible sobs (the kind I only cried alone on the floor of the shower) and just let them know how desperate I was. They called in a favor to a local Neurologist who they knew would do the follow up care and she rushed me in...
She sat and listened to my mom and I for an hour and a half...tears and all. She really cared and asked if we would be willing to do one more test. She said if the test didn't work that she would be more than willing to be my follow up doctor, but she just wanted to make sure that we had tried everything else since the surgery is very dangerous and the cysts normally grow back. We agreed, we didn't care if she wanted to do 20 more tests, if she found the right answer we were going to do whatever she wanted.
The test was a Lumbar Puncture....they inserted a needle into my spine and drained fluid. I had already had a test similar to this so I knew it was an easy test and didn't expect it to do anything. They drained a decent amount of fluid off my spine and within an hour I was feeling better, and within 5 hours I was doing really well. Not good, but better. She wanted to do the test one more time to make sure this was the answer we were looking for. This time I had a cervical puncture and they drained almost all my CSF, and it was even better. Normally draining CSF causing people to have horrible migraines, it is not supposed to make a person feel better, but for me it took away the terrible migraine. So, it was obvious I had too much pressure on my brain and by relieving the pressure it helped my symptoms a lot.
She suggested a shunt...a tube that is inserted into my brain and runs down my body into my stomach. It was a less invasive surgery and she knew it would help at least a little bit. She did the surgery, it was supposed to be an awfully hard recovery and I probably wouldn't see results for a while. At first my brain had a hard time having so much taken off so fast! And I was really sick, they adjusted it though, and within 3 days I was taking less medication and keeping food down and really feeling good. We had to adjust it a few more times, but we found the sweet spot and it was good. I had to go back in 4 weeks later because I got a hematoma in my stomach incision. It was not too difficult of a surgery though and besides just healing from the surgery I was doing great! My hormones were balancing and I was doing good! I was doing worship again, and living my life! Everyone was saying how great I looked, that it was obvious I was doing well. My doctor and her whole office were shocked at the difference, they couldn't believe I was such a happy person...it had been a long time since people had really got to see that side of me.
I wish I could say that's the end of my story and I lived happily ever after, but my story was far from over. 5.5 months later I started getting a lot of pressure in my head again. It wasn't too bad and I thought maybe I am just pregnant or sick or something. I called my doctor after a week or 2 of it happening and she wanted to do some scans. By the time we started the scans I was going down hill fast, back on meds and not doing well at all. The scans didn't show anything, surprise surprise, they never do. That Friday she had me check into the hospital for pain relief and so she could keep an eye on me. We had planned to go on a trip that weekend so I already had the day off and so did my husband and mom. I got a private room, unheard of, but God gave me that. With the help of the sweet sweet nurses, I made it through until we were certain that it was my shunt. They did the surgery Sunday and found that my shunt was completely clogged and wasn't working at all. Every test had shown it was fine though. That was a hard recovery took longer than the first one, just because my body was tired.
My hormones never got back to normal, in fact they were worse. My stomach was actually growing so fast that I was getting stretch marks and we were all convinced I had to be pregnant. Everyone had made comments that I wasn't as perky this time around and I never really got my energy back. So the line of doctors started again, until we did an ultrasound to rule it all out and than I just stopped caring and was grateful for being pretty much pain free. I woke up on a Saturday not feeling too well, lots of pressure in my head. But I had been sick and was actually just finishing a round of anti-biotic. I just thought that I was still getting better. But, that Sunday was not good and by Monday my work could tell something was up and told me to take the afternoon off and to deal with this. It took over a week for us to understand what was happening, and my mom and mother-in-law became viscous and fought like crazy to find the answer. We ended up in the ER looking for pain relief and hoping for a flight to a specialist in San Francisco. None of that happened, my doctor was out of town for Thanksgiving and they couldn't do anything for me except give me more meds. So when my doctor returned we all decided surgery was the best option and she was fairly certain when she repositioned the shunt to keep it from clogging again that she had put it too far up and my ventricles and swollen and closed it off...she was right. The shunt wasn't working at all, again.
She went in and really worked with my shunt to make sure it was at optimum flow, she also had to replace the mechanism because it had proteins in it and was going to clog again. That recovery was the hardest, by far. I was so sick and it had taken such a toll on my family that we were all just so done with it all. I am a month post-op now... and the amazing part is everything is really great!
I had not realized after the second shunt surgery that I had never gotten better. When I went from such intense pain and such insane issues to being able to live again I didn't question whether it was as good as I could get. I was just grateful for the relief.
I realized as I got off the meds this time around how clear everything was. And the only way I can describe it is that it was like going from grainy antenna t.v. to H.D. satellite. Its like going from having a constant caffeine headache to virtually no headache at all. So, thats where I am now... doing great! Off all meds, hormones balancing, body healing....getting my life back.
My journey is far from over, there are things I can't do like bending over a lot, roller coasters are pretty much out, won't be bungee jumping, Yoga is not my friend, but all in all I can handle things like that. The hard part is this is most likely not my last surgery...shunts are man made, we are not designed to have them in our bodies. Most of the time people get a decent amount of time between surgeries though, I just had to be difficult....story of my life when it comes to surgeries. The hope is that I am done for a long time and I choose to claim health over my body. I am ending this chapter and starting the new one. I have chosen to believe that God has healed me (for a while at least) and I can be one of those people who goes 21 years without any problems.
And 2012 seems to bring me much peace. I feel like this could really be a good year for health, for family, for friends. I have so much to look forward to this year and so many dreams that I feel like could really get the chance to come true. Through all this I want everyone to know that I am so grateful for God and what He did. He really is the reason that I was able to make it through this trial, He is the reason I had a husband and family that was able and willing to stick by my side and give me the support I needed. God is the reason that I am healed now and honestly there is no other explanation.
Losing hope is really hard, we need hope in our lives to live day to day. But, I couldn't have survived without faith. I realized that it was o.k. to be mad at God, to yell at Him, and to want to punch Him. He loves me it doesn't matter if I am mad at Him. I realized that this whole thing brought me so much closer to God, and taught me what having faith was all about. Would I do it all again? Even a fraction of it...NO! But, God really does make all things good, my husband and I have been married for 3 years and in that time I have had 6 surgeries and it really has forced our relationship to mature at a very fast pace. I learned to rely on people and how much love I really have in my life. My church body stepped up big time and showed me that they were family too, and the best part of it all is God is showing me what He wants for me. Not what I always thought He wanted from me, but what He really wants from me and I am willing to listen. Never lose faith, because God is always right there with you, crying on the floor beside you, feeling your pain, and turning the bad for good.
This past 2 years have been hard to say the least. Starting in Feb of 2010 I had a crazy appendix situation, but we removed and solved that and I was doing really well. Than my body went very hormonal....like really thought it was pregnant. As if that wasn't weird and freaky enough I started getting really terrible headaches, vision loss, memory loss, and other odd symptoms. When we finally convinced the doctors that it wasn't the birth control I went to a G.I. doctor who knew it was something neurological. I got an MRI and they found 2 brain cysts...as scary as this sounds I was relieved to have an answer. But, it wasn't an answer... and the list of specialist and doctors I saw after that is a mile long. And everyone had a test or theory, but by the end most of them looked at me and said "I don't know what to tell you, but I don't think this has to do with (whatever their specialty was)."
Great.... So I am basically just insane...good to know. Through all this I worked, for most of it full time and my symptoms got worse and worse. This meant, for the most part, my day was work and sleep...I had to stop doing children's worship, had to stop working in the coffee shop, had to stop cleaning, running, reading, going to school, basically I had to stop doing the things that really brought me joy.
My amazing husband really picked up the slack where he could and is the reason laundry got done, and that we had dishes to eat off. My friends were great and understood that I just couldn't do anything and helped me wherever they could. My family and my husband felt my pain just as much as I did, they cried with me and were there every step of the way (I really do not know what I would have done without them). I seriously cry every time I realize the love and compassion that was given to me. It's amazing that they stuck by my side and believed me even when it seemed like the only answer was that it was all in my head.
I don't really remember much of this time,the meds, memory loss, exhaustion, and pain make it all a little fuzzy and I don't really know what was real or not. I do remember calling my mom and brother to come pick me up from work at the end of the day sometimes because I was panicking and couldn't figure out where I was. I do remember that most meals didn't stay down and some nights spending hours on the bathroom floor. I remember screaming out to God, begging Him to just let me die because I couldn't do it anymore. And I remember wondering why, if He loved me so much, He would let me suffer for so long and hurt so many people. And I remember being really really angry at Him! I mean I would not have hugged Jesus if I had met Him during this time but instead punched Him square in the jaw and twice in the the stomach. I can admit I really lost hope. I have fought depression and thoughts of suicide before. High school wasn't always an easy time for me. But the level of depression I entered at this point in my life was something that hurts to even think about. I never lost faith that God was there, I just lost hope that He would ever heal me.
The emotional roller coaster I was on was like nothing I could have imagined I would be able to go through. And I had days where I went in the back room at work, fell to my knees, sobbing, and telling God He had to get me through the day because I just couldn't do it anymore. And He always did, I was always able to get off that floor, wipe my tears, and come back out smiling and able to help patients.
Than I found the Arachnoid Cyst specialist, he was the one who knew that these cysts could be symptomatic no matter their size, shape, or position. He was down in L.A. and had started his own hospital for people just like me. I had found my answer! We did phone appointments and he put me on a drug that was for Glaucoma, its side affect was decreasing CSF. And it helped a lot, not cure me helped, but for the first time in a very long time I was keeping food down and the meds were able to help me get somewhat out of pain. And than, about 3 weeks after I started the med it stopped working, I was doubling up on it, hoping, wishing, praying it would start to work again. It only made it worse. At this point my mom and husband got on the phone and started demanding that something happen, they had seen the light and that this was the first relief I had had in a year and they weren't going to let me go back. The doctor decided the best thing to do was to remove the cysts to see if it would help. He had an opening in his schedule and was willing to rush me in, I just needed a follow up doctor here.....
My G.P. refused to let me have the surgery. I hadn't seen him this whole time, but his F.N.P. instead and he didn't just say he wouldn't be my follow up doctor, but that he had no further tests or steps to take to find out what was wrong. At the point of starting care with the specialist I had informed my boss's that I may need to rush down to have the cysts removed at the drop of a hat. They were amazing and said whatever I needed they would do. So I had told them I was going to have the surgery and they asked why it had fallen through. I lost it, I mean really lost it...I cried awful horrible sobs (the kind I only cried alone on the floor of the shower) and just let them know how desperate I was. They called in a favor to a local Neurologist who they knew would do the follow up care and she rushed me in...
She sat and listened to my mom and I for an hour and a half...tears and all. She really cared and asked if we would be willing to do one more test. She said if the test didn't work that she would be more than willing to be my follow up doctor, but she just wanted to make sure that we had tried everything else since the surgery is very dangerous and the cysts normally grow back. We agreed, we didn't care if she wanted to do 20 more tests, if she found the right answer we were going to do whatever she wanted.
The test was a Lumbar Puncture....they inserted a needle into my spine and drained fluid. I had already had a test similar to this so I knew it was an easy test and didn't expect it to do anything. They drained a decent amount of fluid off my spine and within an hour I was feeling better, and within 5 hours I was doing really well. Not good, but better. She wanted to do the test one more time to make sure this was the answer we were looking for. This time I had a cervical puncture and they drained almost all my CSF, and it was even better. Normally draining CSF causing people to have horrible migraines, it is not supposed to make a person feel better, but for me it took away the terrible migraine. So, it was obvious I had too much pressure on my brain and by relieving the pressure it helped my symptoms a lot.
She suggested a shunt...a tube that is inserted into my brain and runs down my body into my stomach. It was a less invasive surgery and she knew it would help at least a little bit. She did the surgery, it was supposed to be an awfully hard recovery and I probably wouldn't see results for a while. At first my brain had a hard time having so much taken off so fast! And I was really sick, they adjusted it though, and within 3 days I was taking less medication and keeping food down and really feeling good. We had to adjust it a few more times, but we found the sweet spot and it was good. I had to go back in 4 weeks later because I got a hematoma in my stomach incision. It was not too difficult of a surgery though and besides just healing from the surgery I was doing great! My hormones were balancing and I was doing good! I was doing worship again, and living my life! Everyone was saying how great I looked, that it was obvious I was doing well. My doctor and her whole office were shocked at the difference, they couldn't believe I was such a happy person...it had been a long time since people had really got to see that side of me.
I wish I could say that's the end of my story and I lived happily ever after, but my story was far from over. 5.5 months later I started getting a lot of pressure in my head again. It wasn't too bad and I thought maybe I am just pregnant or sick or something. I called my doctor after a week or 2 of it happening and she wanted to do some scans. By the time we started the scans I was going down hill fast, back on meds and not doing well at all. The scans didn't show anything, surprise surprise, they never do. That Friday she had me check into the hospital for pain relief and so she could keep an eye on me. We had planned to go on a trip that weekend so I already had the day off and so did my husband and mom. I got a private room, unheard of, but God gave me that. With the help of the sweet sweet nurses, I made it through until we were certain that it was my shunt. They did the surgery Sunday and found that my shunt was completely clogged and wasn't working at all. Every test had shown it was fine though. That was a hard recovery took longer than the first one, just because my body was tired.
My hormones never got back to normal, in fact they were worse. My stomach was actually growing so fast that I was getting stretch marks and we were all convinced I had to be pregnant. Everyone had made comments that I wasn't as perky this time around and I never really got my energy back. So the line of doctors started again, until we did an ultrasound to rule it all out and than I just stopped caring and was grateful for being pretty much pain free. I woke up on a Saturday not feeling too well, lots of pressure in my head. But I had been sick and was actually just finishing a round of anti-biotic. I just thought that I was still getting better. But, that Sunday was not good and by Monday my work could tell something was up and told me to take the afternoon off and to deal with this. It took over a week for us to understand what was happening, and my mom and mother-in-law became viscous and fought like crazy to find the answer. We ended up in the ER looking for pain relief and hoping for a flight to a specialist in San Francisco. None of that happened, my doctor was out of town for Thanksgiving and they couldn't do anything for me except give me more meds. So when my doctor returned we all decided surgery was the best option and she was fairly certain when she repositioned the shunt to keep it from clogging again that she had put it too far up and my ventricles and swollen and closed it off...she was right. The shunt wasn't working at all, again.
She went in and really worked with my shunt to make sure it was at optimum flow, she also had to replace the mechanism because it had proteins in it and was going to clog again. That recovery was the hardest, by far. I was so sick and it had taken such a toll on my family that we were all just so done with it all. I am a month post-op now... and the amazing part is everything is really great!
I had not realized after the second shunt surgery that I had never gotten better. When I went from such intense pain and such insane issues to being able to live again I didn't question whether it was as good as I could get. I was just grateful for the relief.
I realized as I got off the meds this time around how clear everything was. And the only way I can describe it is that it was like going from grainy antenna t.v. to H.D. satellite. Its like going from having a constant caffeine headache to virtually no headache at all. So, thats where I am now... doing great! Off all meds, hormones balancing, body healing....getting my life back.
My journey is far from over, there are things I can't do like bending over a lot, roller coasters are pretty much out, won't be bungee jumping, Yoga is not my friend, but all in all I can handle things like that. The hard part is this is most likely not my last surgery...shunts are man made, we are not designed to have them in our bodies. Most of the time people get a decent amount of time between surgeries though, I just had to be difficult....story of my life when it comes to surgeries. The hope is that I am done for a long time and I choose to claim health over my body. I am ending this chapter and starting the new one. I have chosen to believe that God has healed me (for a while at least) and I can be one of those people who goes 21 years without any problems.
And 2012 seems to bring me much peace. I feel like this could really be a good year for health, for family, for friends. I have so much to look forward to this year and so many dreams that I feel like could really get the chance to come true. Through all this I want everyone to know that I am so grateful for God and what He did. He really is the reason that I was able to make it through this trial, He is the reason I had a husband and family that was able and willing to stick by my side and give me the support I needed. God is the reason that I am healed now and honestly there is no other explanation.
Losing hope is really hard, we need hope in our lives to live day to day. But, I couldn't have survived without faith. I realized that it was o.k. to be mad at God, to yell at Him, and to want to punch Him. He loves me it doesn't matter if I am mad at Him. I realized that this whole thing brought me so much closer to God, and taught me what having faith was all about. Would I do it all again? Even a fraction of it...NO! But, God really does make all things good, my husband and I have been married for 3 years and in that time I have had 6 surgeries and it really has forced our relationship to mature at a very fast pace. I learned to rely on people and how much love I really have in my life. My church body stepped up big time and showed me that they were family too, and the best part of it all is God is showing me what He wants for me. Not what I always thought He wanted from me, but what He really wants from me and I am willing to listen. Never lose faith, because God is always right there with you, crying on the floor beside you, feeling your pain, and turning the bad for good.
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Bucket List...√
So Pinterest has these things from a person's bucket list of things to do, and it inspired me. And I want to start blogging on each little thing on that list, however, I am going to start this series off with few things I am thankful I can check off my bucket list.
~ Marrying the man God designed just for me √, dancing in the rain √, owning a puppy √, getting married √, repelling √, white water raftng √, holding a kaola √, petting a Kangeroon √, cracking a whip √, skinny dipping √, jumping off a cliff √, taking a risk √, laughing to the point of tears √, chopping down a Christmas tree √, connecting with my parents √, hearing God's voice √, holding a new born baby √, watching a Big sister meet her little brother for the first time √, talking to my older brothers √, watching my little brother graduate √, snorkeling √, feeling God's presence √, going to watch Christmas lights √, being suprised √, crying tears of joy √, leading someone to Christ √, going to Australia √, feeling accepted √, being stronger than you ever thought possible √, letting go √, feeling wanted √, making an amazing cupcake √, fighting for what you know is right √, riding a roller coaster √, driving a stick shift √, singing well in front of people √, owning a kitten, being an aunt √, kissing in the rain √, canning √, leading worship √, being a sister √, doing a good job √, realizing how blessed I am √.......living √.
The list goes on and on, but the same thing is being said: It doesn't matter what I want to do, where I want to go, or what I want to be. What matters is what I've done and what I am doing. I. AM. SO. BLESSED! I have done more and experienced more in my 22 years of life than most will ever experience. The things I've experienced may not be what I wanted or thought I needed, but they have brought me to this exact moment and for that I am very grateful.
~ Marrying the man God designed just for me √, dancing in the rain √, owning a puppy √, getting married √, repelling √, white water raftng √, holding a kaola √, petting a Kangeroon √, cracking a whip √, skinny dipping √, jumping off a cliff √, taking a risk √, laughing to the point of tears √, chopping down a Christmas tree √, connecting with my parents √, hearing God's voice √, holding a new born baby √, watching a Big sister meet her little brother for the first time √, talking to my older brothers √, watching my little brother graduate √, snorkeling √, feeling God's presence √, going to watch Christmas lights √, being suprised √, crying tears of joy √, leading someone to Christ √, going to Australia √, feeling accepted √, being stronger than you ever thought possible √, letting go √, feeling wanted √, making an amazing cupcake √, fighting for what you know is right √, riding a roller coaster √, driving a stick shift √, singing well in front of people √, owning a kitten, being an aunt √, kissing in the rain √, canning √, leading worship √, being a sister √, doing a good job √, realizing how blessed I am √.......living √.
The list goes on and on, but the same thing is being said: It doesn't matter what I want to do, where I want to go, or what I want to be. What matters is what I've done and what I am doing. I. AM. SO. BLESSED! I have done more and experienced more in my 22 years of life than most will ever experience. The things I've experienced may not be what I wanted or thought I needed, but they have brought me to this exact moment and for that I am very grateful.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Here we go again....
Not really sure how much sense this blog will make since I am on a fair amount of meds and the pressure on my brain tends to make my I.Q. drop, I swear. BUT anyhow, here we go again. Surgery.... that word that makes my blood pressure raise, my heart speed up, and makes me want to vomit. However, it seems that my body really enjoys surgery....and longs for that stench of hospital smell....and likes it when I cant wash my flippin hair!
So the question of the last 2 years....WHY? Why, why, why, why, why?
The answer... I DON'T KNOW! But, God does! And I have faith, apparently more than I realized. More than I thought I was humanly possible of having, and I trust! That's right, me, full of trust issues and what not does trust with all her heart that God is in control and has a perfect plan & will work this all for good. Why?
Because the Bible tells me so...alright this IS true. But, because I couldn't do this without that faith and trust. So, I guess it is kind of a selfish reason I believe that everything works for good, but I do not care if it's selfish. Because I keep getting told to be selfish and being unselfish hasn't worked for me, so let's try something new!
Deep breath.... this is life. I guess that's the hard part, we all have our things, and I am grateful for my "thing." I AM! I am!
So one more time into the cold surgical room, one more time under that dang knife, one more time.....and let's hope its the last time....please God? I tap out and give in...
I can do this one more time... because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...
So the question of the last 2 years....WHY? Why, why, why, why, why?
The answer... I DON'T KNOW! But, God does! And I have faith, apparently more than I realized. More than I thought I was humanly possible of having, and I trust! That's right, me, full of trust issues and what not does trust with all her heart that God is in control and has a perfect plan & will work this all for good. Why?
Because the Bible tells me so...alright this IS true. But, because I couldn't do this without that faith and trust. So, I guess it is kind of a selfish reason I believe that everything works for good, but I do not care if it's selfish. Because I keep getting told to be selfish and being unselfish hasn't worked for me, so let's try something new!
Deep breath.... this is life. I guess that's the hard part, we all have our things, and I am grateful for my "thing." I AM! I am!
So one more time into the cold surgical room, one more time under that dang knife, one more time.....and let's hope its the last time....please God? I tap out and give in...
I can do this one more time... because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...
Monday, November 14, 2011
Taking back my health!
Taking back my health!
Starting this day, November 14, 2011, I will take my health back! I will do everything in my power to get healthy, not skinny, not loose weight, but get healthy. I will not be discouraged if I gain weight or the scale doesn’t budge because that is not what this is about. I am ready to be healthy again…
My body is a beautiful creation of God and I would never mistreat any creation of God the way I mistreat my body. I will make healthy food choices, knowing that sometimes I will fail, knowing that sometimes I will just want Taco Bell and there will be no stopping me! But, when I am done stuffing my face with chemicals and fats I will get right back on track and not beat myself up or give up.
I will choose to spend the extra money on organic, when I can, because I am worth that extra money and this creation is worth taking care of. I will fight for this, even on the days when I do not want to take care of myself I will push through because I CAN do it.
I will exercise AT LEAST 3 times a week for an hour each time, this can mean walking, this can mean running, this can mean Dance Central…but I will get in 3 hours of exercise each week…and more if possible!
I will let my DVR fill up, because I will be so busy moving: playing fetch with the girls, cleaning, and dancing that I will not have any desire to watch more than an hour of t.v. each night. I will allow myself to fail sometimes, with a good movie or a Saturday morning of snuggles with the girls, but it will be ok.
I will try to choose foods that I know where they come from, try to choose whole grains, try to choose organic…. When this is not possible I will not binge or stress I will simply move on.
I will do all of this and get my body healthy because I want to treat this gift that was given to me right. But, I will also be doing this because I want to be the best wife I can be, I want to be the best servant I can be, and I want to be the best mom I can be. I want to be around and healthy for my family & instill good eating habits in my future children, who no doubt will struggle with weight as well. I will do this not only to give thanks to God, but because being a good servant means taking care of the gifts we are given.
I WILL SUCCEED!
Succeeding doesn’t mean being a size 2, or being perfect, but constantly trying to be as healthy as I can be. I know that it will take time, I will not instantly feel healthy, I will not instantly love this new lifestyle, but with patience and time I will love what this decision has done for me.
I am a gift from God, created in His perfect image and I need to take care of my gifts! I will succeed, because I am worth it!
Friday, October 14, 2011
Never Alone
My wonderful husband has been working over in Eureka so I have been a single lady during the week. As lame as it can be to be home alone I have not really cared. Well, last night I had some awful, dreams. This freaked me out! The one that really scared me dealt with someone trying to break into my room & trying to hurt me. On the other side of the door they kept saying "all alone, all alone." I was scared to death when I woke up, to the point of shivering and tears. It was very obvious this was an attack on me, just from the feeling of the dream & what the dreams consisted of and so naturally I called out to God.
I opened up my Bible to Psalm 1, read about half the book and God gave me verse after verse letting me know He was my shield and that I could sleep in peace. With not being able to sleep anyways lately I was especially emotional and could not stop shaking. I jumped in the shower to see if I could calm down and stop shivering. I was calling out to God and thanking Him for all He does and gives and for being my shield. Then in a soft voice that I have never heard was a whisper "You are never alone! I am ALWAYS with you!"
Instantly I started crying and realized that God is always with me and I don't sleep alone ever because He is always right there next to me. I have not been really "feeling" God in the way that I wanted, was kind of being numb, but starving for that "feeling." I have never, at least knowingly, heard God clearly speak to me. This was very obviously God, though.
So, God is my roomie...that's right I have the best room mate ever! He is always here with me, protecting me and my pets. Caring about the fact that I am wanting to hear Him, caring about my shaking body and fearful tears. I still didn't get much sleep and I had every light in the house on with worship music playing, but I had a peace knowing that I had God whispering in my ear and protecting all the was in my house.
It's good to be reminded that God has our back & will never abandon us.
I opened up my Bible to Psalm 1, read about half the book and God gave me verse after verse letting me know He was my shield and that I could sleep in peace. With not being able to sleep anyways lately I was especially emotional and could not stop shaking. I jumped in the shower to see if I could calm down and stop shivering. I was calling out to God and thanking Him for all He does and gives and for being my shield. Then in a soft voice that I have never heard was a whisper "You are never alone! I am ALWAYS with you!"
Instantly I started crying and realized that God is always with me and I don't sleep alone ever because He is always right there next to me. I have not been really "feeling" God in the way that I wanted, was kind of being numb, but starving for that "feeling." I have never, at least knowingly, heard God clearly speak to me. This was very obviously God, though.
So, God is my roomie...that's right I have the best room mate ever! He is always here with me, protecting me and my pets. Caring about the fact that I am wanting to hear Him, caring about my shaking body and fearful tears. I still didn't get much sleep and I had every light in the house on with worship music playing, but I had a peace knowing that I had God whispering in my ear and protecting all the was in my house.
It's good to be reminded that God has our back & will never abandon us.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
Fact
Fact: Life is really hard
Fact: I don't always feel God when times get hard
Lie: God isn't there because I don't feel Him
Surgery #3 for the year, 3rd times the charm right? O I pray that is the truth! This surgery has been a lot harder on me than the other 2 and it was supposed to be the easiest out of all of them. It has been easy to look at how everything was worked out by God from the private hospital room when I needed it the most to the fact that Gabe was scheduled to work in town during the whole event, but facts are not the same as feelings. Laying in bed for 3 weeks often gives me way too much time to think and I start wondering about where my life is going & if there is a different plan for me. So many questions and I have been asking them for about 5 months, not stressing on any of them just happy to be healthy. Well, here I am healing again, realizing that this is something I am going to have to go through multiple times in my life. All those questions seem like far off dreams because I will never truly be healthy....
But I just realized that my questions might not be realistic,and that fact hit me like a blow to the head, literally. So, naturally I have really been seeking & leaning on God, when we feel lost we tend to lean extra hard. Normally we go through these times where we feel lost or don't feel God there & than we break down the wall that we built and run into our Father's arms crying. I am just having a hard time breaking down the wall because I have buried myself under it. Why do I do that? Why do I not put all my trust in God? Why do I think my way is better & throw a fit when I don't get the answer I want when I want it?
Now, don't get me wrong, God has blessed my husband & I in so many ways in this past year, and I KNOW He has been here through it all, I KNOW He is listening to me and walking by my side...so why do I not feel Him? I like to think of it like when you are learning to walk how our parents are walking with us, arms ready to catch us when we fall, our parents weren't touching us, we couldn't feel them but they were right there & all we had to do was turn around and ask to be picked up. Trusting that God is right there, ready to pick me up if I would just ask is so dang hard though! I listen to the lie that He won't be there, that I am not good enough for Him to waste His time on my silly problems.
I often push back against the lies & challenge them by praying and trying to listen, but you can't hear God under a brick wall. Just because I can't hear Him doesn't mean He isn't talking. Just because I can't feel Him through the wall doesn't mean He isn't right there ready for me to break through. I choose to not listen to the lie that I am not good enough for my God to miss, I choose to not listen to the lie that my questions are just dreams. God gives us desires for a reason, if He didn't want me to dream He wouldn't have given me such a crazy & active imagination. It's hard to hear God's truth when the lies are being screamed in our ear, but if we can ignore those lies we can hear Him saying "I love you, you are enough, get back up again, your sins are gone, I love YOU, YOU are my everything!" and with that being said by our Heavenly Father we won't be buried for long.
So,I keep hitting the wall, I keep fighting for it to crumble so that I can climb out and feel the love that God has been pouring out on me, so I can hear the sweet words He has been saying to me all along. Trust that God is right there, trust that He is allowing us to go through hard times because He wants us to be more, He loves us so much that He wants something so much greater for us than a life of just butterflies & rainbows can give.
Deep cries to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves & breakers have swept over me Psalms 42: 7...
Fact: I don't always feel God when times get hard
Lie: God isn't there because I don't feel Him
Surgery #3 for the year, 3rd times the charm right? O I pray that is the truth! This surgery has been a lot harder on me than the other 2 and it was supposed to be the easiest out of all of them. It has been easy to look at how everything was worked out by God from the private hospital room when I needed it the most to the fact that Gabe was scheduled to work in town during the whole event, but facts are not the same as feelings. Laying in bed for 3 weeks often gives me way too much time to think and I start wondering about where my life is going & if there is a different plan for me. So many questions and I have been asking them for about 5 months, not stressing on any of them just happy to be healthy. Well, here I am healing again, realizing that this is something I am going to have to go through multiple times in my life. All those questions seem like far off dreams because I will never truly be healthy....
But I just realized that my questions might not be realistic,and that fact hit me like a blow to the head, literally. So, naturally I have really been seeking & leaning on God, when we feel lost we tend to lean extra hard. Normally we go through these times where we feel lost or don't feel God there & than we break down the wall that we built and run into our Father's arms crying. I am just having a hard time breaking down the wall because I have buried myself under it. Why do I do that? Why do I not put all my trust in God? Why do I think my way is better & throw a fit when I don't get the answer I want when I want it?
Now, don't get me wrong, God has blessed my husband & I in so many ways in this past year, and I KNOW He has been here through it all, I KNOW He is listening to me and walking by my side...so why do I not feel Him? I like to think of it like when you are learning to walk how our parents are walking with us, arms ready to catch us when we fall, our parents weren't touching us, we couldn't feel them but they were right there & all we had to do was turn around and ask to be picked up. Trusting that God is right there, ready to pick me up if I would just ask is so dang hard though! I listen to the lie that He won't be there, that I am not good enough for Him to waste His time on my silly problems.
I often push back against the lies & challenge them by praying and trying to listen, but you can't hear God under a brick wall. Just because I can't hear Him doesn't mean He isn't talking. Just because I can't feel Him through the wall doesn't mean He isn't right there ready for me to break through. I choose to not listen to the lie that I am not good enough for my God to miss, I choose to not listen to the lie that my questions are just dreams. God gives us desires for a reason, if He didn't want me to dream He wouldn't have given me such a crazy & active imagination. It's hard to hear God's truth when the lies are being screamed in our ear, but if we can ignore those lies we can hear Him saying "I love you, you are enough, get back up again, your sins are gone, I love YOU, YOU are my everything!" and with that being said by our Heavenly Father we won't be buried for long.
So,I keep hitting the wall, I keep fighting for it to crumble so that I can climb out and feel the love that God has been pouring out on me, so I can hear the sweet words He has been saying to me all along. Trust that God is right there, trust that He is allowing us to go through hard times because He wants us to be more, He loves us so much that He wants something so much greater for us than a life of just butterflies & rainbows can give.
Deep cries to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves & breakers have swept over me Psalms 42: 7...
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