Because I Want to be Soil ~ Romans 5:3-5

 So, I decided to start blogging.  Being stuck in bed for a few weeks gets your brain thinking and I decided that I would blog it out....so here goes nothin'

I have been blessed with some amazing family and friends in my life.  Most of my family does not live in Redding, but they still have been able to influence me in so pretty amazing ways. I have one aunt that is actually blood related, men seem to dominate booth sides of my family. I am a combination of both my mom and aunt, physically and I like to think mentally too. So, today I woke up and could have just cried...here is a beautiful sunny day, a Monday, and my husband is off to work and I am stuck in bed....again. That's hard for me, not being able to look at the day and see what I can accomplish. I don't know why things happen, and after they are all done its easy to look back and see all the good things that came from it. However, I am frustrated by the fact that I started to get healthy again and then had it swept out from under me like some comical cartoon character who slips on a banana peel. Back to my point about my aunt, though, she left a message on my facebook today that had this verse: Romans 5:3-5, "We also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us."

Yeah yeah, OK she's right. Its funny when you are going through something and someone comes up to you and says they understand or try to help by telling you to think positive; you honestly want to shake them and yell "you don't have a clue!" Well, I cant say that to my beautiful aunt, she does have a clue; and I would be smart to take a page from her book. Not only has her husband been in and out of surgery for the last few years, he has had a lot harder surgeries and she has been there by his side for them all.

The hardest part of being ill for me is the people that I let down because I can't do the things I need to and want to do. My poor husband has been put through the ringer. When we got married we were young and all excited because that meant we could go on adventures and be newlyweds for a few years before we had kids. Well not even 3 years of marriage and he has been with me through 4 surgeries. Poor guy! I mean really, he must be frustrated. We did it all right, waiting until we were married to do all the things marriage gives, we asked God for his guidance and have made every decision by bringing it before God first. So it should all be easy right....?

Apparently not. That's part of the "deep cries to deep" I guess, God is preparing us for something extraordinary! I've said it before, this is how satan attacks me, my health is my weak spot. Unfortunately, health also brings financial troubles, less romance and adventure, stress, the future being put on hold, and lots of other little pains. So, health is a bad weak spot to have, I think my husband would agree...

So now for the Epiphany..."CRAP." That's right, crap... I am not going to say that I have enjoyed being sick for over a year, or all the surgeries because of what I've learned...because it's not true.  I have hated with a passion every surgery I have had, every time I have had to step into a doctor's office, every pill that has been put into my body. I mean hate too, the kind that leaves a bad taste in your mouth, the kind that makes you throw a fit, the kind that keeps you up at night. All of it has been crap, I never wanted to know my toilet that well, or know what Diomox does. But crap can grow some pretty amazing things. Think about it, manure is just crap, yet when you mix it in with that once dull, nutrient-less soil it can grow some beautiful flowers, and veggies, and some green green grass.  And that manure smells awful, it attracts flies, and even after we have showered we still can smell it on us.

When I think about it the last few years have been tough, but some beautiful things have grown in my life because of it. I no longer only grows weeds, I am no longer this life-less dry dirt, that sucks out nutrients from where ever I can. I am a rich, dark, earthy soil. When God scoops me up in his hands he takes a deep breath to suck in my rich smell. I know over time my soil may become dull and dry again. I may have to have some crap added into my life so that I can grow some gorgeous flowers, I am not going to like it, heck I will probably hate it. I hope that I will remember that God is the gardener and he will take the crap that satan throws at me and till it in to my hardened dirt and make me rich and fruitful.  So I will rejoice in sufferings, not because I like what is happening or because having a positive attitude makes it that easier, but because I know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint me, because God has poured out His love into my heart by the Holy Spirit... If I could do it all over again would I choose to go through that suffering, HECK NO! However, I can look back on these 3 years and know it was not wasted, know that I am rich soil and now can be fruitful for the Lord, and that makes it easier understand...